


The (Almost) Seduction of Adam and Eve, as Told by Crawly, the Serpent of Eden

by exmachinarium



Category: Christian Bible (Old Testament), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Paradise Lost - John Milton
Genre: (and is a walking sexual innuendo), Crossover, Gen, HMS Belial Makes Everyone Feel Awkward, warning: contains copious amounts of bad pick-up lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2017-12-18 03:46:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/875262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exmachinarium/pseuds/exmachinarium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Problem was, he didn’t even want to be there in the first place. One moment he was standing in one row with other demons gathered in Pandemonium; the next he was all alone with everyone else snickering at him from the safe distance of two-steps-behind and facing one of the dukes staring at him with a broad, toothy grin which could only mean trouble of epic proportions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The (Almost) Seduction of Adam and Eve, as Told by Crawly, the Serpent of Eden

**Author's Note:**

  * For [errantknightess](https://archiveofourown.org/users/errantknightess/gifts).



> A while back, Err drabble-prompted me with a certain mistranslation concerning the original sin and what did Adam and Eve actually succumb to back in the Garden of Eden. Since her birthday is rapidly approaching, I decided to take that idea and expand it beyond drabble level and straight into a full-fledged birthday fic. I hope you’ll enjoy and that there aren’t many typos/grammatical mistakes… Sorry if there are any, by the way. (Early) Happy Birthday, Err!

The first rays of sunshine lazily seeped through the branches of trees in the garden of Eden, each of them heavy with fresh fruit and sprinkled with glistening dew. In their nest of leaves, grass and exotic flowers, the parents of humanity were still sleeping soundly, wrapped around each other so that it was hard to distinguish where one ended and the other began. (The well-mannered ancestors of birds, meanwhile, decided to move elsewhere with their morning greetings). Deeper into the garden, the first animals began to stretch their sleep-laden limbs, yawning and stretching without much haste, for the hour was indeed early. A pair of mayflies (slightly puzzled by their name since May as such has not yet been properly scheduled) flitted around in their sprightly love dance until they got swatted aside by a very agitated tail belonging to a no less agitated serpent.

The serpent’s name was Crawly (although he wasn’t particularly fond of it) and he was currently the most miserable creature in all realms imaginable.

Crawly sighed (as much as a serpent could sigh, anyway) and stretched up to nearly his whole length in an attempt at looking confident while feeling anything but.

"Ah, Eve, Adam, what a coincidence! You look particularly radiant today. Considering thisss, would you perhapsss fancy a bite of… That fruit over there which will surely bring your demise and or death." He instantly deflated and glared into space, “Right. That’sss surely going to work jussst ssswimmingly."

Problem was, he didn’t even want to be there in the first place. One moment he was standing in one row with other demons gathered in Pandemonium; the next he was all alone with everyone else snickering at him from the safe distance of two-steps-behind and facing one of the dukes staring at him with a broad, toothy grin which could only mean trouble of epic proportions. Before he could as much as utter a ‘wait a blessed minute’, he was sent on his merry way with a single task of ‘get the humans to eat that fruit’ (there’s been some confusion as to what exactly ‘that fruit’ was; ‘apple’ and ‘peach’ seemed to be the most popular of the bunch, with ‘pear’ as a runner-up; the few voices in support of ‘pineapple’ were unanimously ignored) and absolutely no idea how to do it.

"Hello, preciousss. Come here often?" he started again, winking at the empty space in front of him, then promptly slapping his tail over his eyes, “What do you think, idiot? Of coursssse they do! Where else would they go, anyway?!"

… If he had to be specific, the last one was not entirely true (though, in the long run, he’d rather it was). Before Crawly set out towards Eden, he decided to seek the council of someone presumably wiser than himself in matters of public relations. In his poorly disguised panic he had apparently forgotten just how intimidating Belial could be.

"Dear, dear, Crawly," he said in a sultry voice after a long while of pondering, complete with pursed lips and tiny hip sways, “this is a most intricate task you’re burdened with and, frankly, you can’t just storm in there and shove the fruit, whatever it is, down their throats."

"Too bad. That one was on top of my list."

"Now, don’t get cocky with me, Crawly," the drawl of the name made him more than mildly uncomfortable, “what I meant was, you can’t simply tempt them into doing it. You need to seduce them."

"I fail to see the difference…" Crawly raised an eyebrow sceptically (trying very hard not to pay attention to a row of bite marks blooming along Belial’s neck).

"I’m sure you’ll be able to figure things out, the smart thing you are… And now, off you pop," the demon chuckled and waved at his guest dismissively.

So there he was, with nothing but a borrowed body (and not the most presentable one) and a handful of useless advice from the most lust-driven demon of the nine rings of hell. Still, if he fails, they won’t let him back in. Right. Best of three, then.

"Eve, that… No, wait, they’re naked… That… Hair! Looksss gorgeousss on you! Actually it remindsss me of that tree over there and… No, that’s utterly ridiculousss."

"Adam, my friend, what nice big teeth you have! Would you like an apple with that?… Noooo!"

"Did it hurt? Falling from Heave… Oh, for Go… Sat… Someone’s sake!" (For the record, it sure did, even with the preventive sauntering instead of downright head-first plummet.)

With a hiss of anguish, Crawly pounded his head against the nearest tree, stopping only when its fruit began swaying quite vigorously. At this point he could just go back to the eastern gate and try out what was the prototype of the worst pick-up lines in history on the resident guardian to see which one would earn him a swing of the angel’s flaming sword (quite impressive, if he might add).

A rustle of leaves behind him was so surprising that the unfortunate serpent actually jumped in surprise and slithered up the nearest tree (which also happened to be the tree) in a panicked attempt to disguise his presence. This, incidentally, gave him the best possible view of the creature emerging from between the branches which seem oddly content to part and create a comfortable, aesthetically pleasing green corridor around the newcomer.

No amount of pep talk from Belial could possibly prepare Crawly for the sight. Eve was nothing short of resplendent, with her fine figure, radiant smile and waves upon waves of hair positively shimmering in Eden’s eternal sunlight. He realised he was gaping (a truly spectacular sight when it comes to snakes) only when Eve stopped whatever she was doing and approached his branch with a concerned expression upon her perfect face. Crawly righted his jaw with a snap and in an attempt to cover his initial failure devised the most suave opening to his seduction which consisted of a stuttering hiss and a blurt of:

"Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?"

So much for seduction, Crawly scowled to himself, mentally stepping on his own tail, and decided to just get on with the show and move straight to the business. After all, a job is a job is a job.

***

Seventeenth century England, Crowley mused while sipping on his ale (or what was originally ale), wasn’t all that bad, even with that whole Puritan lot milling about. Even though the closing of theatres was a low blow. The angel on the other side of the table apparently didn’t share his point of view. Unless of course he had something entirely different on his mind.

"What got you so excited, angel?" he gave in finally, “The last time I saw you this giddy was when they finished inking the first poor man’s bible."

If possible, Aziraphale’s grin grew even wider. He leaned towards his companion across the table and explained in an excited half-whisper.

"I’ve been observing John’s progress earlier today and…"

"Wait, just so we’re clear. You’re talking about John Milton, yes? The blind one?"

"The very same. It seems he’s going to complete his epic poem after all. Such determination! Most admirable!"

"Whatever you say. Another epic, huh?" Crowley sipped from his cup, looking from above his smoked glasses (custom-made by Leonardo himself) with every single ounce of disinterest he bothered to muster. “Aren’t we all a bit tired of the Trojan war being rewritten backwards and forwards and any other direction imaginable?"

The angel shook his head vigorously, bright tresses obscuring his face in a truly comical fashion.

"That’s the best part of it, dear," he said, smoothing them back hastily, “he writes an epic on… The fall of the man. And Lucifer, too, I suppose."

This finally captured Crowley’s attention enough to make him lean in as well.

"You mean, the war in heaven, that fruit and the whole blessed serpent business?"

"Pretty much, yes."

"And how far was he into the story when you visited?" at this point Crowley was practically ramming his face into the angel’s, anxious to know the answer.

"Crowley, personal space, please… I believe he’s a little past the half, but still before the… ‘serpent business’, to use your terminology. But soon enough… Crowley? Where are you going?"

"Suddenly felt like going for a stroll. Alone." He answered with a casual shrug.

"Crowley…!" Aziraphale rose from his seat with a frown, “Don’t you dare interfere with Milton’s work. This epic might become the best known account of these events," he lowered his voice again, looking a little bit guilty, even more so than the scripture itself…!"

"Believe me, angel," the former serpent sent his opposite number a wink from above the glasses, “that’s exactly what I’m counting on."

Not without some embellishments, though.


End file.
